Loving someone with ADHD: What about me?

In recent years ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) has been getting a lot more attention, helping to raise awareness about the condition, and what it's like to live with it. More recently it has found itself in the spotlight of controversy, with increasing rates of diagnosis and ongoing debate about what what it is and how it should be understood. For people with ADHD and their families, some of these conversations can feel deeply invalidating — particularly when the very real impact of the condition on people's lives is questioned. 

In this article, I want to take a little time to focus on you if you are the partner of someone with ADHD. This is the lesser heard perspective and an equally valid lived experience. No person is an island. We all live in relationships with others. Some traits of ADHD can make relationships more challenging, and here I want to explore the mix of love, loneliness and responsibility that partners can experience. This is not about demonising the ADHD partner, rather I want to take an honest look at how ADHD can impact you, as well as some of the things we can do about it.

I write from personal experience: my husband was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago. We have been together for nearly 30 years but learning about this neurodevelopmental condition has helped me to more clearly understand some of the challenges that we have faced as a couple over the years and has given us both tools to improve our communication and how we interact with each other.

Self-compassion

I want to highlight this. There are plenty of articles, videos and podcasts about how we can understand and help our partners when they are struggling with life. This is absolutely valid, but it does not exclude looking after and caring for ourselves. As someone who has counselled carers, I can see how all too often our own lives can be put on the back burner in order to support another whose daily needs may be greater than our own. The years go by, and we can find that we have completely lost touch with our own unique self, our joyful and creative parts, and can find ourselves feeling lonely, exhausted and depressed.

Let us look at some of the particular experiences that we partners of people with ADHD may recognise before sharing a few suggestions on how to cope better. 

Loneliness/feeling ignored

Does he or she come home from work and talk in depth about their day without pausing to check in to see how you are? Do they struggle to listen to you for any length of time? Perhaps you have become familiar with the glazed look which tells you their mind has moved on to another topic. Whilst this is of course a common challenge for those with ADHD, and our partners would rather not do this, the effect can leave you feeling unimportant or unloved. Even when you recognise the symptoms and know why, we cannot help our feelings, even when we know their behaviour isn’t intentional - the impact can still be painful for both partners.

Addictions

People with ADHD are more vulnerable to addictive behaviours, which for some can become a way of regulating emotions or avoiding difficult and painful feelings. Not only can these be expensive or unhealthy, but there are also many reasons why addictions can be detrimental to both people in a relationship. Social media and smartphones are quite common problems (for most of us!) - perhaps you feel alone when your partner is endlessly scrolling or playing a game? It can be hard to have ‘quality time’ with someone who finds being ‘present’ challenging because their minds are running at 100mph. 

Unfinished projects/mess

Does your partner struggle to start projects? Perhaps there are things that need doing around the house that they have promised to do, but can’t motivate themselves to start. Do you have leaks, rotting window frames, washers that have needed changing for years? Or is there a bunch of half-done work that needs completing, with tools left lying there because they intend on going back to them? Or piles of books and admin left lying around (I’m actually guilty of this one!). It can feel exasperating, but if you say anything, be prepared for an emotional response. 

Emotional dysregulation

It can be painful to witness your partner struggling with extreme emotional reactions to situations - and if you are the trigger, it can be awful to be on the receiving end of their anger or upset. In fact, many partners of people with ADHD experience being disproportionately blamed for their responses to situations. Some people with ADHD can have a particularly strong sense of justice or fairness (which doesn't necessarily mean they are right!), and arguments can become very intense and difficult to resolve. People with ADHD are more vulnerable to depression and anxiety, and research has found an increased risk of suicidal behaviour. This can be frightening, especially if you have a family to support.

Finances

Some people with ADHD can struggle to manage money and this can be for a variety of reasons: whether it's due to a kind of time blindness that means future planning can be very difficult, or because they can have higher rates of (sometimes expensive) addictive behaviours, which may become a way of coping with emotional dysregulation, shame and the trauma that often comes with growing up neurodivergent. This can affect your financial security which can have an emotional knock-on effect, especially if you are raising kids too. 

Mental labour

Do you feel like you are doing more than your fair share of emotional/mental labour in the household? Whilst research shows that women tend to carry a disproportionate share of the invisible work of planning, anticipating, organising and monitoring family life,¹ research specifically exploring women partnered with men with ADHD has found accounts of women taking on additional responsibility for household management and compensating for their partner's executive-function difficulties.²  

You may have found that over the years, you've become the organiser, planner and manager, and your partner has become more dependent on you to do this. It can feel like a lot to carry. We can grow resentful. When things are bad, you can find yourself exhausted, unappreciated, and feeling powerless.

Little or no sex-life

Of course this is common in many older couples, but intimacy can really suffer earlier on when neurodivergence is in the relationship too. Sometimes, at the beginning of a relationship, you can be your partner’s new ‘obsession’ but your intimate life can suffer more dramatically than in NT relationships because of the added complications of rejection sensitivity, shame, hypersensitivity and rumination. The loss of this form of intimacy can be a source of grief itself. 

If you recognise yourself in some of these experiences, what can you do?

Firstly I think it’s important that both members of the relationship are prepared to acknowledge that ADHD is present (or very likely in the case of pre-diagnosis) and that it needs understanding and adjustments from both people.

Communication

Both partners should try to be ‘vulnerable’ and honest with each other - everyone’s feelings are important, not just one person’s.

Education

Again, both partners need to commit to learning a bit about ADHD, so they can come up with strategies to manage difficulties as well as find ways of building a close relationship. I know this can be difficult for your ADHD partner if they don’t feel motivated to do so…

Compassion

Recognise that each person in this relationship has needs that are equally valid. Learning to have compassion for ourselves and each other can put us in a place where we are intentionally seeking mutually agreeable solutions and caring for ourselves and each others’ needs.

Medication

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect attention, impulse control, emotional regulation and executive functioning. Medication can greatly improve quality of life for many people with ADHD, and this can have benefits for their relationships and family life too.

Book recommendation

I can highly recommend the book Is it You, Me, or Adult A.D.D? Stopping the Roller Coaster when someone you love has Attention Deficit Disorder by Gina Pera. Gina, a partner of someone with ADHD, is an author and educator who helps people navigate relationships affected by it. 

In this book, Gina lists some essential self-care tips offered by people she surveyed who were  living with partners with ADHD: 

Put on your own oxygen mask first

Your first priority is you (I know it is easier said than done). If you are burned out and exhausted from reacting to, constantly ‘cleaning up’ or fixing things on behalf of your partner, then this is not sustainable. How do you take care of yourself?

• create a list of things you enjoy doing - a self-care list - and try to do them each week

• take time away from your partner

• educate yourself (as mentioned above)

• learn to improve your own communication skills, especially listening. We commonly stop listening to each other. Does your partner know/understand what your needs are? Do you know what theirs are?

• get good rest

• keep friends close - make sure to have some friends that don’t have connections with your partner

• have a plan/something you can go and do if your partner is ‘melting down’

Don’t tolerate physical or emotional abuse

Some of the traits I have touched on above can become very heightened. If your partner is threatening you, manipulating you or is violent, please don’t use the ADHD as an excuse for the behaviour. Abuse is abuse.

Relationships are a choice

Remember that being in relationship with a partner is a choice. Each of you deserves to love and feel loved in that relationship. Each of you deserves respect. I believe learning how to relate well with others is an essential part of being a healthy mature adult - many of us have not been shown how to do that. But it is possible to change how we respond to each other and to deepen our love for each other, even when living with a challenging condition like ADHD. 

Humility is key. Admit when you make a mistake, overreact or say something cruel. We all do it. I believe that if we can model good relationships to our partners and children we can live in a more compassionate world. 

1. Reich-Stiebert N, Froehlich L, Voltmer JB. Gendered Mental Labor: A Systematic Literature Review on the Cognitive Dimension of Unpaid Work Within the Household and Childcare. Sex Roles. 2023;88(11-12):475-494. doi: 10.1007/s11199-023-01362-0. Epub 2023 Apr 29. PMID: 37283733; PMCID: PMC10148620. 

2. Zeides Taubin, D. & Maeir, A. (2024). “I wish it wasn’t all on me”: women’s experiences living with a partner with ADHD. Disability and Rehabilitation, 46(14), 3017–3025. DOI: 10.1080/09638288.2023.2239158.